Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
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Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.