Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
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I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
*checks Timeline*…
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?