Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
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MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift