Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

I think the cat got the dog high.

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.