Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
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[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
this is the best day of my life
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?