Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
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Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
zone out
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Generation gap…
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Stop.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.