My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
You Might Also Like
Real House Wines.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex
T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.
You’re now their prom date!
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.