@AGStr8upNinja

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

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@zachreinert03

My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant

@Browtweaten

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

@sofarrsogud

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

@NerishaLakha

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

@OctopusCaveman

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

@curlycomedy

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

@StewieTea2

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.

You’re now their prom date!

@Cyd10e

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

@redherringbear

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.