Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
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people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Rambo Rambow
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken