Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
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My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
My background check bounced.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”