Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)