Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

#parenting

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun