Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

i choose….tongue

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

These aliens are taking forever.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”