Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
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Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
*exercises sarcastically*
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked