Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

I have many caverns

That’s not how days work.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.