Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
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I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
sign of the times 🖊
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that