Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
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I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
can I use a minion as a tampon
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.