Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

what’s in a name?

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Why did they have to bleep out everything R2D2 said?