Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.