Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’