Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.