Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

It’s on my to-do list.

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”