SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.