Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.