@scarebro

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

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@Samzen_

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

@Burger_Time_

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

@mommajessiec

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

@TheMichaelRock

Alright, I finally gave in and signed up for MySpace. Where is everyone?

@XGroverX

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

@dlockw21

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

@Babasnookie

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

@ArfMeasures

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

@RoosterMustache

Me: if u kill a murderer the number of murderers in the world doesn’t change

Her: yeah… anyway your total will be $8.49 at the 2nd window

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.