Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

i choose….tongue

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

I believe the plural is “milves.”

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.