Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb