Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
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only kind of dinner drama i approve of
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.