Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
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Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Home is where your toilet is.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red