Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

there’s probably a fee though

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.