Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
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Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting