Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk