Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus