Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.