Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

wait a minute….

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/D0b3OTjVsAAAdx6.mp4

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving