Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FTTCtgOXoAEzw8n.mp4

Hello Twits.

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.