Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.