Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
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The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
*serious situation*
My brain:
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house