Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.