“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
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4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Orange cat behavior 😂
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.