“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
You Might Also Like
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her