“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
You Might Also Like
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Incredible customer service.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”