Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

just having fun

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

💀💀

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”