Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

incredible text to wake up to

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

Bed should get ready for ME

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.