Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐