Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

nobody’s gonna understand

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

Bring back the McRib

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.