Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

Had a spot of bother earlier.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

😂

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks