Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Xylophonist Shredding It

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

in 3 months

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist