Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Well, this is awkward
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐