Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
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Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers