Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
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My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed