Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

i want to work in this restaurant

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.