Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
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Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
he was correct
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
this is the kind of friend i am
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder