Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
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My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
they should invent a rest for the wicked
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
where do you see yourself in five years?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.