Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
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Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
pizza
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.