Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

Finally, an instrument I can play!

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!