Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

#IWishIHadNever noticed

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.