Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”