independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
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I could’ve had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
I’m 50 but feel like 30. Until I hang out with 30 year olds.
Then I am like, nope nevermind, I’m 50.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Q: When is Santa’s birthday?
A: Since Santa comes once a year and he’s married, Santa’s birthday is December 25th
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”