@Skoog

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

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@electrolemon

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

@WhosTheresa

I could’ve had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.

@SamDeLanche

Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.

@Staaltje68

I’m 50 but feel like 30. Until I hang out with 30 year olds.
Then I am like, nope nevermind, I’m 50.

@JB4Realz

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

@CrockettForReal

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho

@poutinesmoothie

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

@JohnLyonTweets

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

@Mr_Kapowski

Q: When is Santa’s birthday?

A: Since Santa comes once a year and he’s married, Santa’s birthday is December 25th

@leechee420

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”