[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
worst…sale…ever
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡