[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
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Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Siri, fight Alexa.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
SQUARREL
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
jesus, what did this guy do
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years