Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

I wrote a book on penguins.

Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.