[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”