Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

cyclists

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

Customer is always right

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

it must be school picture day

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%