Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
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At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
weird email i got today
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”