Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
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Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev