Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.