Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

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