Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
What about a To-Don’t List?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.