Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Feel. He’s so soft.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex