Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.