Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?