Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

this is the most humiliating day of my life

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫