scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
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My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I wish this was real life…
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs