scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
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I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
where do you see yourself in five years?
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder