Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.