Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You Might Also Like
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
how it started vs how it ended
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.