Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
That lamp looks PISSED.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?