Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

m’lady

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,

“You cannot park there”

“It’s not my car”

“You have to move it”

“It’s not my car”

“Move it or get a fine”

“It’s not my car”

Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”

“It’s not my car”

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.