Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with